Heres Johnny!

Its been well over two years since my last post, I guess I havent had much to say or I am too "busy" to post. It occured to me that my too "busy" is actually procrastination. I find time to watch TV(way too much), rent a movie here and there and even just veg out and do nothing. That is not to say that I am not busy....I work two jobs, have a wife and three children I try to devote attention to and my mind is always looking for new and creative things to do(even if I never do some of them) So busy is relative......but it can quickly find its way into becomignthe excuse for everything. Sorry I didnt email you back, that project took a long time, how come you havent kept in touch...sorry I was so "busy"
What prompted this post out of the blue.......I was thinking about my having two jobs, especially the second. You would think as a model-maker and sometime designer I would have drummed up freelance work to keep myself busy and my bank account comfortably full. You would be wrong...instead I find myself in a job with very little creativity and a lot of routine("busy" work if you will). I am actually scared of putting myself in the position of having to deliver a product. I worked as a model-maker for over 10 years and was pretty good at it and finished every model I ever started, but for some reason cant see myself succeeding now. The frustration is I find it comfortable, the routine that is! Its the antithesis to what an artist/designer should want and yet I crave the stability and routine. My life growing up was fairly unstable, though my mom did her best to insulate me from the worst of it, so maybe that is the explanation. I am about to start school again to get my bachelors in the design field and yet here I am looking for routine. Maybe that is the tug o war between my two halves, the scared little kid looking for routine and stability and the creative boundary pusher always looking for the new. Maybe it is something I should embrace, pull myself out of my comfort zone. These posts will not always make sense and at times seem to ramble and thats because they do. I write as I am thinking and I dont want to edit.......it can make for a frenetic read.

Goodnight

The ones who do

There are many people I admire(see the growing list of links), who do one thing and do it very well, and I envy their passion for that one thing that makes them happy. It seems because of that passion for that one thing they pour their heart and soul into it and become masters of what they do. Either I havent found that one thing or I am not meant to? I like doing too many things! Because I feel that this issue holds me back from reaching my full potential I want to find a way to either change it or come to terms and use it to my advantage. I have yet to do either.

There are people I have read about who have been in the same place I am now and eventually found that one thing. In Tad Williams biography a science fiction and fantasy novelist(see links section) writes in his biography that he has held almost every creative field job you can have. He finally found that one thing: writing, and is one of the best in his field. So maybe there is hope?

A little background

I am a 34 year old father of two awesome little girls(10 and 3) and husband to a gorgeous wife and yet I still dont know what I want to be when I grow up. Dont get me wrong, I am educated(well I have an Associates Degree in Industrial Design) I can hold a job(7 years, until the last round of layoffs at my former company) and I am a responsible father(at least I think so...ask my wife?) and yet I still get nervous and feel like I should be carded every time I purchase alchohol. I am not saying I have Peter Pan syndrome and am irresponsible but I havent found that one thing I want to do until I die. I have found many.......?

I have always been a late bloomer, played with toys longer than most kids of my age. So maybe thats what it is, I will eventually narrow my focus as I age? In my opinion(and others) my biggest obstacle is I have too many interests and can find it hard to concentrate on any one of them. This seems to carry over to my hobbies and career, most recently I worked as a model-maker for a large electronics firm but I have dabbled in: Product Design, Sculpture, Illustration, 3D Illustration, Writing, Model-Making, 3D Modeling, Wood Carving, Furniture Design and Fabrication and others I cant think of right now. I like doing them all and when I am in the moment I sometimes feels, this is it, I have found what I want to do from now on. Then, inevitably, I lose interest and move on to something else. At what point do you hone in on the thing that you will master.....or do you?

What do you wan to be when you grow up?

Two weeks ago I was layed off from my job after 7 years. This job was my first out of college and I was determined to make it last only 2 years and then move on. Somehow you can get caught in a job that you may not hate but arent unhappy enough with to find the courage, motivation or whatever it takes to make that next step. Now I have no more excuses and I am sending out resumes, but I found myself hitting a wall as I couldnt decide what it is I want to do next.
This question is my reason for creating this blog. Am I the only one out there who cant seem to answer it? What problems does it create? Does is get better with age? How do you learn to overcome, deal with or make work it for you?